Control Freak

Post date: Aug 28, 2016 10:25:14 PM

I believe most of the physical disorders we experience reflect our mental condition in some way. I have been thinking about claustrophobia, which I experienced recently, and think it might have something to do with my tendency to want to be in control. I like to plan things, I like to have things in order, and I have a very strong sense of time and punctuality. In order to get things done, I use my strong willpower and push it through until I get the desired result. I remember one of my friends, whom I met in India, mentioned that I was like a Korean machine. I think what she meant was: I did things in a very scheduled, predictable, and consistent way, like a machine. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my little world that I was in charge of.

Then I met this amazing guy who is now my husband, who does things in quite the opposite way. He doesn’t have a typical sense of time, doesn’t like to plan things and does things spontaneously. His life motto is to go with the flow. My little, controlled world has been challenged. I love him with all my heart but I resisted and still occasionally resist how he does things. Having children was a great lesson to learn that I am not in charge of my world. Though I enjoyed putting cute baby clothes that I liked on them, maybe for about 2 years, but that was about all the control I had. These individual human beings have their own thoughts and preferences that I don’t have much of control over except what I choose to make for dinner for them.

This summer has been interesting. We are in a transition to the next stage of our life together. My husband is looking for a job after his Ph.D. and there is a potential move involved. For about 2 months that everything has been up in the air, so this summer has been a real lesson for me to let go and live in the moment. Not being able to plan anything since we don’t know where we will be next month is a challenge for me. I thought I have learned to be flexible and spontaneous after living with him for 15 year and doing yoga for a decade but it seems like there is always more to learn.

I think this relates to my claustrophobia, and I wonder if I have it in situations that make me feel helpless or out of control, such as the feeling of being captured where I can’t move or leave if I want to. I wonder if I really learn to let go of the illusion of control, if I really accept the situation as it is and be in the moment, if I really learn to go with the flow, and especially, if I really accept that I have a phobia and experience it as it is rather than resisting it, then will it not be a phobia anymore?

Even though I know that I don’t have many things in control in my life, yet I find peace when I have the feeling that I am in charge of something. I can be in charge of how I respond to the things happening around me. I can be in charge of how to take care of myself. So instead of dwelling on how things are not happening the exact way I would like them to be, I will try to make the best out of whatever situation I am in. Then I will open my yoga mat again and attempt to control … my feet.